Ok.. Before we begin – this guy lays out a fairly comprehensive explanation for his perspective/point of view – BUT.. it’s only one way to look at it..
The following article is an example of cause/effect, scientific reasoning, Confucius style – thinking.
Ask someone who has been raped if it was their fault for trusting – or the abused child.. for being born.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people – sometimes we get sick – and sometimes we die. When you’re hanging by a thread.. there is no rope to climb – but there is another way.
You CAN block a punch with a punch – even when you’re down – even when it’s dark – especially when you’re alone.. with nowhere to go.
Blame is simply a stepping stone – and stepping stones are necessary to rise from the emotional mire – but.. you’re eventually going to have to let go – because you can’t fly when you’re holding onto stones.
I’m Not to Blame! You Made Me Do It! It’s Not My Fault! I’m a Victim!
Sound familiar? How often have you heard someone blame you for their mistake or their shortcoming? How often do you blame others?
It’s easy to do. We hear it all the time in the media, in the work place and in our homes. So, what does it mean to blame someone else? Part of the definition is in the word itself. To blame is to “Be Lame.” To blame means to speak evil or unkind words about another.
You probably thought it meant that you were just standing up for your “rights” and putting the “blame” on the person who did the “wrong.” You probably felt proud that you could point out their shortcomings and tell them the way it is. The way you see it – the “right” way. You probably felt good in “shaming” them and putting them in their place. After all, they didn’t fulfill your expectations. They probably surprised or even shocked you on some level. How could they do what they did or say what they said? Don’t they know who you are? Don’t they know how things are supposed to be? If they only did it your way, the “right” way, then everything would be just fine. Then you wouldn’t have to reprimand them or call them out to the “authorities.” You are just doing your duty. If they hadn’t tricked you, lied to you, or if they hadn’t acted behind your back, then everything would be just fine. It wasn’t your fault!
If I am blaming someone else for whatever reason, it suggests a few things. It suggests that I am “right” and my way is the only way to do something. It suggests that I know all the rules and everyone should follow my rules. It suggests that people can and should read my mind; at least in the areas I want them to. It suggests that you should fulfill all of my expectations. It suggests that I’m not responsible for my actions or reactions. “You made me do it!” It suggests that I’m the “righter” of all wrong doings. I’m the “teacher” and the “enforcer.” And, it suggests that I never make mistakes or make inappropriate decisions and if I do, you should lovingly correct me and take responsibility for allowing me to make a mistake.
With the above explanation, it’s pretty clear that entering into the process of “blaming” is not the most effective, loving or peaceful way to walk through life time on this planet. You ask, “If I’m not blaming someone else what am I doing?”
You are taking responsibility for your life. I come from the point of view that we create, promote or allow everything that comes into our life. That’s a big statement. Let me define my terms and I think it will help you move out of the “blaming” process into being responsible.
Let’s say we are at a cafe having a wonderful time, and I say to the guy next to me, “Dude, you are really ugly!” He hears me and smashes his fist into my face. It’s easy to see how I “created” that. It would be hard to be a victim or to blame him.
Now, let’s say we are in the same cafe and I’m minding my own business. I’m not saying anything bad to anyone. However, I say to you, loud enough for this guy to hear, “That guy is really ugly!” He does hear me and I find myself eating a fist sandwich. This is a little slipperier and I could claim victimhood and blame him for my bloody lip; however; I actually did “promote” the action.
Okay, once again we’re in the same cafe. We’re having a great time. I am being good. I’m minding my own business and I’m not saying anything to anybody. Suddenly, this guy and someone else get in a fight! I pull my chair closer to watch the battle and a chair is thrown. It hits me in the head. It wasn’t my fault. They did it to me. I can easily claim victimhood here. I can blame them for years. However, I did “allow” myself to be hit on the head because, I know when people fight, people get hurt and by my choosing to stay and watch, I put myself in a situation where I could get hurt. It’s in this “allow” category that most people slip into the blaming process. It’s easy to feel wronged.
There might be times in our life when we feel stuck and we aren’t aware that we have a choice or that there is a way out of the situation we are in. I have heard people say, “You just don’t understand. I can’t leave.” At these moments, we are at one of those “have to/choose to” places. I have to eat. I can choose to stay in a job that is abusive or I can choose to quite and stand on the street corner and beg for money. Choice point. I could go into the victim/blamer process or I could choose to take responsibility for where I am and find resources that can help me.
There are actually three decisions we make when we choose to change. Am I going to leave? When am I going to leave? And, how am I going to leave? Sometimes we are clear we need to leave, but the timing is not appropriate, so we plan for the most effective time. When that time arrives, then we decide how we can leave. Each of these steps requires us to be responsible for our situation and we choose to take the best action we can with the information we have at that moment. We take small steps toward the end result we want.
To move from being a “victim” and a “blamer” to being someone who takes full responsibility for what they are feeling, thinking and doing is a transformational process. It requires courage and inner strength. And, it’s an on-going process through time. The pay off? Peace, Loving and a Joy-Filled Life. It’s a choice.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, Robert C. Jameson focuses on helping clients understand and overcome issues, such as anger, hurt, depression, anxiety, love, relationships, boundaries and limiting beliefs, to name a few. During his years of private practice, Mr. Jameson found it useful to give many of his clients “homework” in the form of handouts to support their work while in session. The Keys to Joy-Filled Living was born from his handout of tried and true exercises and techniques. http://www.thekeystojoyfilledliving.com
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