Intimacy means different things to different people. I asked twenty people the first word that comes to mind when I say the word “intimacy.” There was an overwhelming response of positive comments like “love,” “connection,” “clarity,” “sex,” and “trust.” Why then, when I asked myself this same question, did I get the word “run!”? This was accompanied by a gut feeling of “intimacy hurts.”

After some reflection on the matter, I realized that my response may have come from a wounded part of myself still enacting its script in my life. The script goes something like this, “Watch out! Don’t let them in too close! Remember, your dad died when you were 6 years old and left you in pain and grief, and this person may leave you too.”

My adult self has done a tremendous amount of healing work with this issue including but not limited to: rebirthing, meditation, hypnosis, journaling, inner child work, and praying. However, the fact remains that I am still single 13 years after a divorce from a 16 year bad marriage.

You see, I have been living with a fantasy of finding the perfect partner while creating this pattern of abandonment. The men I date tend to be geographically or emotionally unavailable, they don’t have time for a real relationship, or they are simply commitment phobic. Sometimes I don’t date at all. I have finally stopped feeling like a victim and begun looking inside at my own fear of intimacy.

I have to own that I have energetically drawn these men into my life to re-create the abandonment issue at my core self. I see how they’ve taught me how to grow beyond my old programming and to love from a place of trust and closeness. They’ve shown me that I am ready to let go of my fear of intimacy and to empower myself in relationships by always loving, and not abandoning, myself.

For in order to be intimate with another person, you must first have an intimacy with yourself. You must be open to your own beauty and darkness, and be accepting of both. That will give you both the centeredness to allow someone else to witness them in you, and the capacity to witness them in an unconditional way in another person.

The fear of intimacy is not a permanent condition. It takes work, but with patient and gentle intention, you can undertake the surrender that allows love to flow deeply through and from you.

Truly becoming intimate with those around you, whether they be friends, family, or romantic partners, is a life-long process built on a series of choices, choices that support clarity, connection, wholeness, and trust. But when you have embarked on that path and have become willing to share your power, and your weakness, and to honor another’s triumphs and failures, then you will find the richest gift we are given: a true connection with another human being.

I think Osho said it best “… When you are surrendered to the God of Love, then it is not very important whether your partner remains with you or leaves you or whether you leave. One thing is important: that love remains. Your surrender is towards love, not toward your partner. So the only thing is not to betray love. Lovers can change; love can remain. Once you have understood that, there is no fear.”

Liah Howard, Psychic/Channel, is a dedicated student and teacher of metaphysics and intuitive development. She has studied extensively with many psychic and spiritual teachers since 1975.

Liah has been channeling “HOIYA,” a council of five intergalactic guides from the higher realms since 1988, and has been teaching classes in Psychic Development and Channeling since 1989. She now teaches Psychic Development and Channeling webinars online.

Liah contributes inspirational articles regularly to the Maui Vision Metaphysical magazine and The Center for World Networking magazine and to other publications upon request. Please visit her website at http://www.liahhoward.com